One Weird Thing: MLS is back, and so is RapidMan (potentially)

Last-gasp winners. Heart-rending defeats. Carlos Vela doing Carlos Vela things. Yes, MLS is back, with a full round of games played this weekend in addition to some CONCACAF Champions League action preceding it. And I must say, MLS lived up to all of its glorious, messy billing in its 2020 debut weekend. 

BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS AT ALL, BECAUSE RAPIDMAN IS (possibly) BACK, BABY.

Source: #Rapids96 are holding tryouts for RapidMan. Seems like the club may bring back their mascot after a few year hiatus.

— Jake Shapiro, but THIS IS MARCH (@Shapalicious) February 27, 2020

As first reported by Jake Shapiro, rumor has it that the Colorado Rapids are holding try-outs for RapidMan, the original Colorado Rapids mascot, a muscular embodiment of water that pumped up Colorado crowds for more than a decade before his retirement in 2007.

A small tidbit of historical context, for the uninitiated: upon MLS’ arrival in 1996, owners and other league higher-ups sought several ways to make the league more interesting and familiar to American audiences. This included instituting NASL-style penalties during regular season games, so that there could be no draws. There was also, at one point, a proposal to make the goals bigger that never went through. One thing MLS didn’t really need to change, however, were mascots. Soccer teams were using mascots around the world at that point, and what’s better, they didn’t even have to really relate to the team all that much. Arsenal is named “Arsenal,” has a cannon on their crest, and are frequently called “The Gunners.” Does that mean they got themselves a cannonball or other black powder-related cartoon character to be their mascot? No!

RapidMan, however, was just a bit different than your average mascot. Not content to be a regular old animal, like Crew Cat (may he live forever) or one of the many nonsensical blobs of chaos favored by many teams, RapidMan sought to be more. An anthropomorphized body of raging river current, RapidMan was both tangible and incorporeal, both solid and liquid, both ice cold and hot, so impossibly hot he could barely keep his wraparound shades from melting off his face. As Jake Polis once said for Colorado’s website, “he looked like a cross between a muscular man-smurf and a steroid-enhanced Bart Simpson who had just emerged from taking the polar plunge.” 

And how else could you depict a team with such “chaotic good” energy as the Rapids, a team at this very moment filled with players who were somewhat unceremoniously discarded by their previous MLS team, only to form one of the most exciting attacks in MLS the last month of last season? A team which I devoted no less than three One Weird Things to just last year, because they kept managing to surprise me, first with their choice of caretaker, then with the miracle survival until the final day of the season, not to mention the plague? A team that produces THIS:

Stoppage time game-winner. #Rapids96 pic.twitter.com/O9cxuIKKQE

— Major League Soccer (@MLS) February 29, 2020

Of course, RapidMan is the quintessence of the Colorado Rapids. No amount of woodland animals Colorado can attempt to replace him with will do (even though they tried four of them, all at the same time: Edson the Eagle, Marco Von Bison, Jorge el Mapache, and Franz the Fox). Imposters, all. We want RapidMan back and we want him now, no matter what those alleged try-outs consist of. I assume it’s something along the lines of Navy SEAL training.

Posted by RapidMan on Wednesday, May 30, 2018

It is impossible to ignore the mounting evidence that RapidMan contained such unlimited amounts of energy that the mascot has begun to divide and multiply. Indeed, the vacuum created by his exit in 2007 left such a powerful vortex that dangerous and frightening versions of the legend himself have begun to spring up across North America

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Need proof? Allow me to introduce you to Rapid Man of the James River Rapids, a high school in Richmond, VA. Here is Rapid Man, who looks like someone spliced RapidMan’s DNA with a piece of broccoli, dancing to “Right Thurr” by Chingy.

Rapid Man was James River’s mascot for about ten years, but was recently canned because “his costume was known to be frightening to children.” 

(Also, full disclosure: my wife and brother-in-law attended Midlothian High School, and they assure me that James River is the worst high school in the country. Sorry, James River.)

RapidMan also has something of a comic book universe Anti- or Nega-RapidMan in the Ottowa Fury’s Sparky, who looks like RapidMan but evil, or the Heat Miser to his Snow Miser, or the Garth Knight to his Michael Knight.

Ottawa Fury FC and mascot are ready-to-go – 6 days until the home opener! #UnleashYourFury pic.twitter.com/mnaWvSntgd

— Ottawa Fury FC (@OttawaFuryFC) April 14, 2014

There is only one powerful body of water with sunglasses that can stop this reign of terror being wrought upon us. And will RapidMan return, in honor of MLS’ 25th anniversary, to rage once more in Colorado next weekend? Only time will tell, but for now a simple message. Save us, RapidMan. You’re our only hope.

We reached out to the Colorado Rapids for comment, but they did not respond. Which was probably the smart play in this situation.

Award time!

Staff writer Pablo Maurer caps off the week in MLS by doling out the only superlatives that matter. 

The Madonna Ciccone award for trying way too hard to sound British goes to Major League Soccer’s digital content team, who thought they could get away with this: 

Headed on over to MLS’ YouTube page to watch some highlights and this is a real weird thing for Major League SOCCER to name its highlight videos. I get that it’s probably an SEO thing but 🤮 pic.twitter.com/IQfrmVcr1n

— Pablo Maurer (@MLSist) March 1, 2020

Little did they know that I’d head out in search of highlights from Sunday’s sizzling NYCFC vs Columbus tilt. Within minutes of this tweet, all evidence of MLS’ short-lived attempt at anglicizing their YouTube page was scrubbed.

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The Oxford English Dictionary award for mastery of language goes to Sporting Kansas City head coach Peter Vermes, who managed to use a common, two-word obscenity as a question, declarative, and imperative statement. 

Peter Vermes. Legend. pic.twitter.com/zSXtwz2k7w

— Adam Brown (@HoagiesKC) March 1, 2020

Vermes follows other distinguished alumni such as former New York Red Bulls and Real Salt Lake head coach Mike Petke in receiving this award.  

The Wayne Gretzky and Michael Scott award for actually missing 100% of the shots you do take goes to the Columbus Crew’s Luis Diaz. It’s not often you see a shot driven from the edge of the six-yard box very nearly end up as a throw-in for the opposing team, but Luis Diaz is a very special kind of striker. 

So close and yet so far 🙃 pic.twitter.com/AU3lfv8eIc

— B/R Football (@brfootball) March 2, 2020

To quote NYCFC commentator Joe Tolleson, “OH MY GOODNESS.” (full 11.45 seconds of silence) “WOW.” 

(Top photo of RapidMan in 1996: Stephen Dunn / Getty Images)

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